Psalm 62: 1
"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
I remember quoting this verse many times to myself throughout my pregnancy with Shiloh. For you see, she was our rainbow baby, our child following our miscarriage, and I was constantly overwhelmed with fear. Then, the Lord blessed us with her. She came with extreme collic, jaundice, and eczema, but she also has provided a joy and love I did not know I could ever posses. Something far greater than myself, for the gift of childbirth and parenting is a miracle that some days I cannot believe I am still living.
Now here we are, 3 years later, I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed. Many days, most days, have felt slow, inching by minute by minute through the screams, tantrums, fighting, surgeries, strong willed defiant toddler meltdowns. And lately I have felt my heart racing, anxiety inching forwards, and my need to run to this verse once again.
"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
But this time, it is out of a different fear. This time I find myself fearful of the transition of my baby girl into now a full fledged toddler, becoming more and more independent by the minute. I feel my anxiety rise that I am not doing it right as a parent, that her baby days are over and she is paying more attention to me and my actions now than ever before. Am I modeling well for her? Am I being the parent she needs to be? It all feels heavy, the mourning of her awakening into a little independent human, mixed with my fear of not being the perfect parent. I don't want to let her go, yet I do all in one. So I repeat it to myself again.
"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
The truth starts to sink in, the same truth I was reminded of before Shiloh was born. Although she is an amazing blessing placed into my hands, she is not mine. Let me repeat that, she is not mine. She is the Lord's. I have the time I have with her now, and for as long as I am gifted with that time. I am to love, affirm, guide, teach, discipline, correct, give grace, show sacrifice and servanthood. However, she is not mine to keep. She is the Lord's. Ultimately, I cannot control her or many things that will happen to her. I can do my best to guide her well and protect her where I can, to keep her from as much harm as possible and to keep her in the best health as I can surrounded by as much love as I have to give. However, the rest is in the Lord's hands. The rest is in her hands. She is not mine. And that brings freedom for me. I am so tempted to try and control the future, to place my pieces where I feel they should lie and then make them come true. But life is life. I am not in control.
"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
And when I can take this verse to heart and rest within the Lord, when I can find my salvation in Him and stop seeking approval from other moms or from my daughter, or from my photography, then I can truly rest content and I am able to better serve the other moms around me, I am able to be a better mom to my children without the constant need for striving, I can be a better photographer without the constant need for comparison and seeing if I measure up. I am simply resting in the Lord, allowing Him to be my strength, my rock on my weak days, my fortress where I too can be protected, have shelter and protection. For where we feel safe, we are secure to be our true and most genuine selves. And that is what I wish most for Shiloh. That she might rest secure in who she is and the amazing, amazing talents she is gifted with so that she might use them to shine light to this world. May we all remember these beautiful gifts we each have, rest in them, and use them!
My 365 Project for Shiloh. ;)
