Shiloh Hope Turns 3

Psalm 62: 1 

"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation;  He is my fortress, I will not be shaken." 

I remember quoting this verse many times to myself throughout my pregnancy with Shiloh.  For you see, she was our rainbow baby, our child following our miscarriage, and I was constantly overwhelmed with fear.  Then, the Lord blessed us with her.  She came with extreme collic, jaundice, and eczema, but she also has provided a joy and love I did not know I could ever posses.  Something far greater than myself, for the gift of childbirth and parenting is a miracle that some days I cannot believe I am still living.  

Now here we are, 3 years later, I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed.  Many days, most days, have felt slow, inching by minute by minute through the screams, tantrums, fighting, surgeries, strong willed defiant toddler meltdowns.  And lately I have felt my heart racing, anxiety inching forwards, and my need to run to this verse once again. 

"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation;  He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."  

But this time, it is out of a different fear.  This time I find myself fearful of the transition of my baby girl into now a full fledged toddler, becoming more and more independent by the minute.  I feel my anxiety rise that I am not doing it right as a parent, that her baby days are over and she is paying more attention to me and my actions now than ever before.  Am I modeling well for her?  Am I being the parent she needs to be?  It all feels heavy, the mourning of her awakening into a little independent human, mixed with my fear of not being the perfect parent.  I don't want to let her go, yet I do all in one.  So I repeat it to myself again.  

"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation;  He is my fortress, I will not be shaken." 

The truth starts to sink in, the same truth I was reminded of before Shiloh was born.  Although she is an amazing blessing placed into my hands, she is not mine.  Let me repeat that, she is not mine.  She is the Lord's.  I have the time I have with her now, and for as long as I am gifted with that time.  I am to love, affirm, guide, teach, discipline, correct, give grace, show sacrifice and servanthood.  However, she is not mine to keep.  She is the Lord's.  Ultimately, I cannot control her or many things that will happen to her.  I can do my best to guide her well and protect her where I can, to keep her from as much harm as possible and to keep her in the best health as I can surrounded by as much love as I have to give.  However, the rest is in the Lord's hands.  The rest is in her hands.  She is not mine.  And that brings freedom for me.  I am so tempted to try and control the future, to place my pieces where I feel they should lie and then make them come true. But life is life.  I am not in control.  

"My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation;  He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."

And when I can take this verse to heart and rest within the Lord, when I can find my salvation in Him and stop seeking approval from other moms or from my daughter, or from my photography, then I can truly rest content and I am able to better serve the other moms around me, I am able to be a better mom to my children without the constant need for striving, I can be a better photographer without the constant need for comparison and seeing if I measure up.  I am simply resting in the Lord, allowing Him to be my strength, my rock on my weak days, my fortress where I too can be protected, have shelter and protection.  For where we feel safe, we are secure to be our true and most genuine selves.  And that is what I wish most for Shiloh.  That she might rest secure in who she is and the amazing, amazing talents she is gifted with so that she might use them to shine light to this world.  May we all remember these beautiful gifts we each have, rest in them, and use them!  

My 365 Project for Shiloh. ;) 

If you made it through these, you are amazing. :)  Embrace all the moments you have with your own little ones!!  It truly is a gift. 

~Laura

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The Scarred and Sacred Places of Motherhood

Motherhood. 

Servant.  

Motherhood is a journey of Servanthood.  

A sacrifice far wider than valleys or canyons, a calling much deeper than rivers or oceans.  Motherhood is a calling of servanthood, the constant beckoning to be the hands and feet to the call 24/7.  A type of sacrifice to be left exhausted to the core, leaving nothing of yourself, and stretched thin.  However, within the stretching, within the sacrifice, within the servanthood, you find an overwhelming capacity to do love higher and richer, to see light in past the shadows, to dwell in hardship and see the purpose.  From cooking to cleaning, to diapers and wiping tears, from sleepless nights to exhaustion filled days, from cuddling and nurturing to baths and bedtime, may the act of servanthood be forever remembered as an at of growing love, not only for your child, but also for yourself as you learn to break and be renewed with each passing day. 

“Love only comes to those brave enough to risk being brokenhearted” AnVoskamp, The Broken Way.

Confidence.  

Motherhood is a leadership journey of confidence.  

Standing confident within who we are, not for our own sake, but rather that we might lead well, building confidence and humble pride within our children so that they might in turn lead future generations behind them. We struggle of course to awake each day, and rise once more, to accomplish the task before us, but we do so in the confidence that the hard work is worth it and the prize to be rewarded is far more valuable than gold.  Hearts to be molded, minds to be touched, mistakes to be gently mended.  We are the vision our children look to, we are what help mold them into who they become.  No light task, but no greater reward.  Confidence Builders.

Bearers.  

Motherhood is an act of bearing that which lies before you, no matter what the cost, no matter what the pain.  

We are bearers, the ones who sustain our families, holding them together (as we desperately try).  We have it in our nature to endure and push through until we run ourselves dry.   We bear the pain of infertility and loss.   We bear it, may times enduing deep, dark despair.  However, we are not meant to bear it all, and as we hand over our struggles and hardships to the one who bears all things, we become clothed in strength and dignity.  We then truly do become able to bear all things before us, and bear them well.  For we are called to bear.  Bear these journeys of joy and pain, and bridge the gap in between.  We are called to be the ones to love those who may not survive, to love the fatherless and the orphaned, to love ourselves when we are barren.  To love and to bear that which comes before us, for in doing so we richly know the meaning of pain and agony, which in turn translates into compassion and understanding.  So, if you are on this side of the journey with infertility and loss, know that you too are just a part of this motherhood journey as any other mother.  You are valued and adored and you are truly a wonderful mother.

Faithful.   

Motherhood is an act of proving faithful time and time again.  

Despite tantrums and meltdowns, we must prove faithful in our love, in our kindness.  Overcoming weary souls and desperate longing for alone time, we must be faithful in spending quality time with the ones who want nothing more than this of us.  Seasons come and go, lessons are learned and new challenges approach, but still we are faithful in how we love, how we serve those who we have been richly blessed with.  We must show devotion and honor to the ones who gave us this title. 

Diligent.  

Motherhood is an act of diligence.  

Each morning breakfast to be made, laundryto be done, clothes to be worn, dishes to be washed, attentions to be attended to, Floors to be vacuumed, Tears to be wiped, fights to be calmed, emotions to be explained, hearts to be nurtured, babies to be cuddled, baths to be given, books to be read, hair to be brushed, bottles to be drank, nightmares to be put to rest.  We must be diligent to show up, to do our part, for no person admires a lazy fool.  May we rest when we need, and yet be diligent where we can so that our children in this life might be well provided for and tended to. 

Wise.  

Motherhood promotes wisdom.  

This may be a contradictory statement as I feel motherhood also evokes us to do the most foolish things, such as locking our keys in the car, or placing the milk in the cupboard.  However, where the importance lies, wisdom is grown.  The one good thing mistakes are for are to learn, to guide our ways, to clear our judgement.  And children certainly do so, they rip off everything that entangles and bring us to the core of who we are.  No time for make-up, fancy outfits or working out.  We simply have energy to survive, putting one foot in front of the other each day, but in doing so, within the simplicity of it all, true value and importance is recognized.  The importance of quality time, a listening ear, eye contact and the ability to change for the greater good.  We are highly aware of the heart issues raging within us as anger and impatience come quickly to the door from small issues.  We understand the inadequacies within ourselves, and our need for each other, for community, which further blesses and enriches the lives of those around us, wisdom.  We are more in tune to the broken hearts of this world, the indecencies, as we can easily relate them to the what ifs of our own children.  We are brought into this world of understanding the reasons why people are provoked to do the things they do, and it becomes an incredible source of wisdom.  May we never forget these pieces of wisdom along the way.

Grace.  

Motherhood is full of grace.  

We truly have been given a gift we don’t deserve.  The fresh scent of newborn, the love that passes all fears, the confidence to go the distance, the wisdom to have compassion towards those around us.  Motherhood is a beautiful gift to have eyes wide open, heart broken in two that we might not elevate ourselves, but rather lower ourselves to the service and care of those around us, that we might be filled with the sacred feeling of wholeness.  We are made complete.  Nothing can surpass the gift of grace.  No money, no fame, no success or gain.  It al falls short when we are given something we do not deserve, without a cost, simply for love.  This great gift can propel us to offer bits of grace to our children, to the ones in our lives that we might be able to extend just a piece of what has been offered to ourselves.  May we never stop being the gift to those around us, making the sacrifice so that others lives might be enriched, for this is where the true abundance flows.  This is where the glorious life appears and freedom breaks through.  Motherhood is a hard and treacherous journey, but the reward is not to be matched, the price is not to be valued, the wholeness never to be replaced. 

Mothers out there, thank you!  

Thank you for your servanthood.  Thank you for confidence.  Thank you for being bearers.  Thank you for being faithful, for being diligent.  Thank you for your wisdom.  Thank you for your grace.  Thank you.  Mother’s you are one of the greatest impacts on the world.   Never forget your platform of greatness.  Never forget your value.  You are treasured here.  You are honored.  You are loved.  You are cherished.  

Thank you Mothers.  

Motherhood.

~Laura 

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Breathing in Hope, Breathing Out Exhaustion, Tonight I choose

Breathing in Hope, Breathing out Exhaustion

Tonight I choose to breathe in hope, 

Even though the world says I should fall, 

That I should compare, and consume, 

Worry and Doubt, 

Belittle Myself, Run and Hide. 

Tonight I choose to breathe out failure, 

As God says I am adequate, 

I am enough, just as I am, no better, no worse.  

Tonight I choose to breathe in hope, 

Dreaming dreams of bright futures ahead, 

Doors being opened and roads paved, 

Walking freely along my path, 

Tunnel vision for my worth. 

Tonight I choose to breathe out Exhaustion, 

The constant striving to be better than I am in the current moment, 

Recognizing that new horizons will come, 

Growth will continue within me, 

That I will not stop creating and learning and evolving, 

However, that where I am right now is enough for today, for this present moment. 

Tonight I choose to breathe in peace, 

To let it soak into my veins and echo deep into my soul, 

My work is of value, 

My documenting of overwhelming purpose, 

Capturing these ever passing moments in time, 

The connections created here, the passions and tensions, 

The hardships and mess, 

The blooms and Fruits. 

Tonight I choose to breathe out Disappointment. 

The feeling of not being enough for those around me, 

Or living up to the perfect image that I create for myself.  

Tonight I choose to breathe in gratefulness, 

Gratefulness for the opportunity to see life within the beautiful moments of time as they pass, 

In constant awe of this life I live and everything entangled with it.  

Tonight I choose to breathe out Praise, 

To speak of all the blessings I have been given and all the good placed before me each day, 

The flowers growing in the yard, 

The trees blooming before my eyes, 

The sun rising to the east and setting to the west, 

The stars and moon shining brightly, 

The restful quiet of country nights, 

The warm snuggles from my little darlings, 

The tender kisses from my handsome prince, 

The helping hands and gracious hearts of my family and friends, 

The means to have shelter, food, clothing and so much more, 

The blessing to know the Lord and the riches of His grace, 

The ability to see life differently behind my lens, 

To enter a new world, and document with connection as my guide not fear.  

Tonight I step out and I choose. 

I choose for if I don't, then who will choose for me? 

~Laura 

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