Memories

Memories. 

 

To the world I might seem strong, 
Like I have it all together. 
Brave to some, daring to others, 
Stepping into new things, new places, new spaces as if it is easy.
But to You, I know you see me. 
 

You look with me in the mirror, 
You see my scars, the zits, the inner exhaustion. 
You see me and it doesn’t scare you like it does me. 
You know my heart and my struggle to let others in.
They get a large part of me, that is to be sure, 
Larger than most I believe, 
But to let them into all of me would be the terror I see. 
 

As You know I have been stripped bare, 
Clothes trampled, emotions dragged through the muck, my rags not fit for the poor. 
Because of the pain I hold back.  
Because I do not want to go back. 
I don’t want to be hurt again like I have hurt before. 
Because today it all floods back. 

Today I remember the blood trickling down. 
I remember how I worked that morning instead of rushing to the hospital because I wanted to escape my own reality. 
I remember waiting in the hallway, half naked and cold as I awaited the ultra sound which would clarify her death. 
I remember my body going cold, the bare walls of the room closing in, the noise of the machines fading to black as we lost the one creation we had ever made. 
A piece of me died that day. 
A piece of me died and I don’t know how to get that back. 
Nothing will bring her back. 
And I might sit here and scream at You once more. 
I might proclaim my "why God"s and demand an answer, but I know now some things are better left unsaid. 
I know that no answer could ever be justified in my mind this side of heaven. 
 

So I proclaim the only thing I do know. 
I know that somehow I am still alive today. 
I am alive and my heart is beating. 
I have breath in my lungs and because of You I am made stronger. 
I feel just as weak as the day she slipped away. 
Yet somehow we have made it over 6 years now.
 

Today I just miss her and that’s ok. 
It’s ok because I know I will see her again one day. 
It’s ok because I know she is in the best hands she could ever be with You. 
And though my brain does not get it, 
My lips have trouble speaking it,
I know that you are for my good in all things. 
I know You are enough for me in all things. 
Because God, simply put You are my everything. 
 

Hold her close tonight will You? 
Hold her face close and whisper that I love her. 
Whisper that I cannot wait to see her again soon,
To see You face to face for that matter as well. 
It could do my soul some good. 
But for now, here I am. 
 

Send me out.
Use these bones of my mine.
Make use of what I have left in me. 
I know there is Kingdom work to continue. 
I will try to close my eyes now, 
Get ready for the morning. 
The sun will be rising soon. 
And joy shall be set before me. 
The joy of the Lord is my strength. 
I believe it more and more each day. 
And as for me and my house it is our joy to serve You Lord. 

Thank you for staying close.
My breath feels stronger now. 
Thank you for remaining near. 
The anxiety slips back into the darkness behind me now. 
Thank you for remaining faithful. 
 I go back to my belief each day more and more, that in it all,
You are for my GOOD. 
God be praised through my memories. 

Not Today.

Not today.

Sister, friend, might I let you in on how God has been speaking to my heart today?

Envision this.
Satan, seated on his throne.
He prowls above like he has full authority, power, control.
Deceiving our minds, twisting our thoughts, our actions until doubt has consumed us to the depths of our souls.
Yet, Jesus is not afraid of our doubt.
He simply asked Thomas to come to Him in his questioning that Jesus might show Thomas that He truly was the Savior Thomas was having a hard time seeing.
There was no shame, in fact, I believe Jesus was quite happy with the courage of Thomas to be the one to ask what everyone else was questioning themselves.
When we come to Jesus, we find the victory, we find the faith.

So, as we envision satan on his throne, now expand to this.
Women.
Hundreds, thousands of women.
Arm in arm, hand in hand, linked together,
Rows upon rows of women.
Women who look to their right and to their left and declare that they will carry one another’s burdens.
For as two or more are gathered, Jesus is there, and when Jesus is there, victory is there.
We the women become overcomers.
So, there we are, masses of women FOR one another,
Staring Satan in the eyes, walking directly towards him, and proclaiming that victory is ours.
Depression no longer has hold,
Comparison has no grip,
Shame has released its chains,
Anxiety bowed down to presence,
No longer entangled by fear.
For together, we march towards Satan and declare,
“NOT TODAY.”
“NOT TODAY SATAN.”
Today we have victory.
Today we cling to hope.
Today we believe that God is who He says He is.
That He is faithful and true, the Author and Creator of all things.
The very giver of life and the sustainer of ALL I need.
A God who lives in abundance, not poverty,
A God who is for my good.
And when I am too weak to believe the truth for myself, my sister carries me back to the One who has the truth beyond measure.
Together we draw each other back to the wellspring of life.

So, march on dear sisters.
Do you feel weary or dry?
Are you struggling with depression,
Lack of purpose,
Loneliness,
Doubt,
Insecurity,
Victimhood,
Pride
Or gluttony?
Look to your right and to your left.
Let a sister in.
Get vulnerable.
Open your hands to grab that of the one beside you.
And together, you march on.
One foot in front of the other.
Encouraging your sister, and your sister encouraging you, in the truths that carry the faith,
That defeat the lies and cast the throne of satan into the fire of hell.
You have victory this day.
Not today satan,
There is no power for you here today.

Victory is written,
Love is written,
Joy is written,
Grace is written,
Peace is written here.
And hope abounds.
For we are overcomers.
We have victory today.

A Peaceful Lament

Peaceful Lament. 

Life is like the ocean.
Days where the sun beams steady upon us,
Reflections gazing far and wide of the majesty surrounding us.
The waters are refreshing, soothing to our weary souls.

But as tides turn and storms brew,
Sometimes as in a swift turn of the night.
The waters can overcome us.
Waves coming in quicker than we are able to take on.
Drowning begins.

With the surprise of the waves,
Hitting us time and time again where we least expect them to rise.
Before we are able to catch our breath another wave hits.
Bodies bruised, beaten, lungs shattered, breath suffocated.
We lose a bit of who we are.
The lament settles deep into our bones,
Agony cries out.
Questions arise within the darkness of the soul.

The identity we once knew, being reconstructed, tested, pursued.
The strength we thought we once had, washed away within the consistent rising of the tides.

For when the waves are tossing, true north tends to get lost within the waves.

But, true victory rises in allowing the waves to take you where they may,
To let go of the fight for control and let the current thrust you into the mystery of the journey.
To let the tears flow, the anger work through.

To release fear like fireflies, the release allowing the illumination into rest.

For we can trust that the creator of the very waves themselves has not forgotten us yet.

And as we let go, we learn to let peace in.
Within the darkness, peace settles.
Vastness comes in like a rushing wave. yet peace reminds us of a Creator who created the very waves that threaten our drowning heart.
We need only to lay down the fight, to let the emotions come, to get to the deepest spaces of lament.
The raw honesty in our bones allows us to look up and see the stars shining in the darkness.

It is the deepest spaces of lament that bring us into the fullness of hope.

For when God is all we have, we discover He is all we have ever truly wanted.
We discover there is no storm where His supernatural peace cannot reside.
The waves cannot rise so high that He cannot calm them.
The storms cannot rage beyond His capacity to sustain them.
The expanse of the suffering cannot surpass His level of faithfulness.
For Jesus will walk through the storm to bring the peace.

He will mark the very waves we thought would drown us as remembrance stone to sustain us.

To be the strength in us when we thought there was only weakness left.
To bring joy when only doubt and despair encircled our mind.
To be the way when we thought there was no way.


For as we turn our eyes beyond the waves,
We experience peace like the night sky touching corn fields,
Pink dust sprinkling the earth settling into the depths of blue,
washing us back to the waves.

And this time, we let out our sails and ride the waves.
The lament is still here, still heavy worn with sorrow and grief.
But as the surrender coexists within the storm,

As sails are raised,
We learn a peaceful lament.