Memories.
To the world I might seem strong,
Like I have it all together.
Brave to some, daring to others,
Stepping into new things, new places, new spaces as if it is easy.
But to You, I know you see me.
You look with me in the mirror,
You see my scars, the zits, the inner exhaustion.
You see me and it doesn’t scare you like it does me.
You know my heart and my struggle to let others in.
They get a large part of me, that is to be sure,
Larger than most I believe,
But to let them into all of me would be the terror I see.
As You know I have been stripped bare,
Clothes trampled, emotions dragged through the muck, my rags not fit for the poor.
Because of the pain I hold back.
Because I do not want to go back.
I don’t want to be hurt again like I have hurt before.
Because today it all floods back.
Today I remember the blood trickling down.
I remember how I worked that morning instead of rushing to the hospital because I wanted to escape my own reality.
I remember waiting in the hallway, half naked and cold as I awaited the ultra sound which would clarify her death.
I remember my body going cold, the bare walls of the room closing in, the noise of the machines fading to black as we lost the one creation we had ever made.
A piece of me died that day.
A piece of me died and I don’t know how to get that back.
Nothing will bring her back.
And I might sit here and scream at You once more.
I might proclaim my "why God"s and demand an answer, but I know now some things are better left unsaid.
I know that no answer could ever be justified in my mind this side of heaven.
So I proclaim the only thing I do know.
I know that somehow I am still alive today.
I am alive and my heart is beating.
I have breath in my lungs and because of You I am made stronger.
I feel just as weak as the day she slipped away.
Yet somehow we have made it over 6 years now.
Today I just miss her and that’s ok.
It’s ok because I know I will see her again one day.
It’s ok because I know she is in the best hands she could ever be with You.
And though my brain does not get it,
My lips have trouble speaking it,
I know that you are for my good in all things.
I know You are enough for me in all things.
Because God, simply put You are my everything.
Hold her close tonight will You?
Hold her face close and whisper that I love her.
Whisper that I cannot wait to see her again soon,
To see You face to face for that matter as well.
It could do my soul some good.
But for now, here I am.
Send me out.
Use these bones of my mine.
Make use of what I have left in me.
I know there is Kingdom work to continue.
I will try to close my eyes now,
Get ready for the morning.
The sun will be rising soon.
And joy shall be set before me.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
I believe it more and more each day.
And as for me and my house it is our joy to serve You Lord.
Thank you for staying close.
My breath feels stronger now.
Thank you for remaining near.
The anxiety slips back into the darkness behind me now.
Thank you for remaining faithful.
I go back to my belief each day more and more, that in it all,
You are for my GOOD.
God be praised through my memories.
