Memories

Memories. 

 

To the world I might seem strong, 
Like I have it all together. 
Brave to some, daring to others, 
Stepping into new things, new places, new spaces as if it is easy.
But to You, I know you see me. 
 

You look with me in the mirror, 
You see my scars, the zits, the inner exhaustion. 
You see me and it doesn’t scare you like it does me. 
You know my heart and my struggle to let others in.
They get a large part of me, that is to be sure, 
Larger than most I believe, 
But to let them into all of me would be the terror I see. 
 

As You know I have been stripped bare, 
Clothes trampled, emotions dragged through the muck, my rags not fit for the poor. 
Because of the pain I hold back.  
Because I do not want to go back. 
I don’t want to be hurt again like I have hurt before. 
Because today it all floods back. 

Today I remember the blood trickling down. 
I remember how I worked that morning instead of rushing to the hospital because I wanted to escape my own reality. 
I remember waiting in the hallway, half naked and cold as I awaited the ultra sound which would clarify her death. 
I remember my body going cold, the bare walls of the room closing in, the noise of the machines fading to black as we lost the one creation we had ever made. 
A piece of me died that day. 
A piece of me died and I don’t know how to get that back. 
Nothing will bring her back. 
And I might sit here and scream at You once more. 
I might proclaim my "why God"s and demand an answer, but I know now some things are better left unsaid. 
I know that no answer could ever be justified in my mind this side of heaven. 
 

So I proclaim the only thing I do know. 
I know that somehow I am still alive today. 
I am alive and my heart is beating. 
I have breath in my lungs and because of You I am made stronger. 
I feel just as weak as the day she slipped away. 
Yet somehow we have made it over 6 years now.
 

Today I just miss her and that’s ok. 
It’s ok because I know I will see her again one day. 
It’s ok because I know she is in the best hands she could ever be with You. 
And though my brain does not get it, 
My lips have trouble speaking it,
I know that you are for my good in all things. 
I know You are enough for me in all things. 
Because God, simply put You are my everything. 
 

Hold her close tonight will You? 
Hold her face close and whisper that I love her. 
Whisper that I cannot wait to see her again soon,
To see You face to face for that matter as well. 
It could do my soul some good. 
But for now, here I am. 
 

Send me out.
Use these bones of my mine.
Make use of what I have left in me. 
I know there is Kingdom work to continue. 
I will try to close my eyes now, 
Get ready for the morning. 
The sun will be rising soon. 
And joy shall be set before me. 
The joy of the Lord is my strength. 
I believe it more and more each day. 
And as for me and my house it is our joy to serve You Lord. 

Thank you for staying close.
My breath feels stronger now. 
Thank you for remaining near. 
The anxiety slips back into the darkness behind me now. 
Thank you for remaining faithful. 
 I go back to my belief each day more and more, that in it all,
You are for my GOOD. 
God be praised through my memories. 

Not Today.

Not today.

Sister, friend, might I let you in on how God has been speaking to my heart today?

Envision this.
Satan, seated on his throne.
He prowls above like he has full authority, power, control.
Deceiving our minds, twisting our thoughts, our actions until doubt has consumed us to the depths of our souls.
Yet, Jesus is not afraid of our doubt.
He simply asked Thomas to come to Him in his questioning that Jesus might show Thomas that He truly was the Savior Thomas was having a hard time seeing.
There was no shame, in fact, I believe Jesus was quite happy with the courage of Thomas to be the one to ask what everyone else was questioning themselves.
When we come to Jesus, we find the victory, we find the faith.

So, as we envision satan on his throne, now expand to this.
Women.
Hundreds, thousands of women.
Arm in arm, hand in hand, linked together,
Rows upon rows of women.
Women who look to their right and to their left and declare that they will carry one another’s burdens.
For as two or more are gathered, Jesus is there, and when Jesus is there, victory is there.
We the women become overcomers.
So, there we are, masses of women FOR one another,
Staring Satan in the eyes, walking directly towards him, and proclaiming that victory is ours.
Depression no longer has hold,
Comparison has no grip,
Shame has released its chains,
Anxiety bowed down to presence,
No longer entangled by fear.
For together, we march towards Satan and declare,
“NOT TODAY.”
“NOT TODAY SATAN.”
Today we have victory.
Today we cling to hope.
Today we believe that God is who He says He is.
That He is faithful and true, the Author and Creator of all things.
The very giver of life and the sustainer of ALL I need.
A God who lives in abundance, not poverty,
A God who is for my good.
And when I am too weak to believe the truth for myself, my sister carries me back to the One who has the truth beyond measure.
Together we draw each other back to the wellspring of life.

So, march on dear sisters.
Do you feel weary or dry?
Are you struggling with depression,
Lack of purpose,
Loneliness,
Doubt,
Insecurity,
Victimhood,
Pride
Or gluttony?
Look to your right and to your left.
Let a sister in.
Get vulnerable.
Open your hands to grab that of the one beside you.
And together, you march on.
One foot in front of the other.
Encouraging your sister, and your sister encouraging you, in the truths that carry the faith,
That defeat the lies and cast the throne of satan into the fire of hell.
You have victory this day.
Not today satan,
There is no power for you here today.

Victory is written,
Love is written,
Joy is written,
Grace is written,
Peace is written here.
And hope abounds.
For we are overcomers.
We have victory today.

Shine.

Shine

Pans sizzle in the morning light.  

Fresh joy rising with the sun as it sifts through our very veins. 

The light breaks through, just as in this community a new light has birthed. 

Here, the walls of privileged to poor are torn down, 

Hands outstretched, Tilling the soil, 

Planting seeds and watering souls with neighbors. 

Eyes looked into,  Stories heard, 

Burdens stood beside, 

And hearts rejoice and break together, in community. 

There is power in community, 

Power in the gift of presence, 

The gift of love, 

The gift of showing up and meeting need. 

Here, it is not about the most educated, 

But rather the most willing. 

It is not to say who is better equipped for the task, 

But much more so whose feet are glad to stand in the unknown territory and say yes to the call. 

With humble hands teach what we know, 

We come alongside where we can, 

We learn, create, listen and laugh. 

We find joy together.  

We know that standing together is a gift, 

For in standing alone we only encircle our own depravity. 

The gifts and talents we are given are not for fame and selfish glory, 

But rather for spreading seeds in community WITH one another, not FOR one another. 

Here we stand on the edge of beauty and pain. 

To live where bread is a gift, clean water a delight. 

Where false security of money often unknown, 

Yet a willingness to love and serve given most freely. 

Here where the word of God is breathed in as nourishing oxygen, 

Where satisfaction sinks deep into bones and does not return void. 

Where earth might crumble and fall, 

Yet promise of joy and peace remain.  

When mountains of injustice and hardship rise, 

Community stands together in unity, 

Encircling trust and bringing light, bringing glory down to earth. 

Here, entitlement falls beyond its borders and the longings of the human heart builds gratitude, That flows from lips like spring water in a stream. 

Welcome overflows here. 

The impact of welcome is doors flung open wide at the threshold of love. 

Here, where hearts are allowed to break that we might walk alongside the brokenhearted. 

Here, where a family chose to stay, 

Chose to see their neighbors, 

To come alongside the need, 

To water the ground set before them together, 

To be an extension of grace. 

Even now, pain and suffering are very real, yes indeed, 

But now they exist within a breath of hope, 

A hope that does not disappoint. 

And now, dancing rules the day, like fireflies rule the evening sky. 

All the way home we shall sing the Lord’s song, 

His song of mercy, of faithfulness, of love. 

In the morning, Jesus comes, 

In the morning, joy rises, light rises, 

Shining for the community to see. 

Here, we sing the Lord’s song of hope over this village, 

This country, this world, this generation, 

We sing the Lord’s freedom song.  

Washing stale hearts with gentle waters, 

Breaking hearts of stone for souls of clay; 

Able to move through the beckoning of the Spirit. 

As we give of our time, the Lord gives heart restoration in return. 

Happy is the giver, 

Happy is the one who knows to fully live, 

We must fully give it all aways. 

True light does not shy of the darkness. 

True light shines bright in caves of depravity and shares the flame. 

It is a gift to give and a gift to be given to. 

Love extended, love returned. 

Go. Be love to your neighbors. 

Go. Love wherever you might be. 

THIS is how we shine. 

Oh, the light that shines so relentlessly here.

I also created a film for this project. If you would like to experience the poem this way, feel free to watch below.

Shine is an organization that I widely respect and admire. If you would like more information about what they do or to come alongside their beautiful work, you can check out more at: https://www.shinevillageinitiative.org